By Res Ipsa Loquitur
What is the reason for the Troy Republicans’ dominance at the polls since 2003? Just like the old Nike ads with Michael Jordan and Mars Blackman: Is it their vision for Troy? No Mars! Is it a conservative electorate? No Mars! Is it the hijacking of the minor party lines? You’re damn straight Mars!
That’s right my political junkies and junkettes, the recent Republican dominance at the polls is nothing more than the manifestation of a hijacking operation. But instead of a plane bound for Paris, these terrorists have stolen our democracy and hijacked the minor party lines.
Lets look at the facts shall we? Since the 2003 election, there have been three minor party lines on the ballot, the Conservative Party, the Independence Party, and the Working Families Party. Also, since 2003 only the Working Families Party has endorsed a Democratic Candidate. Furthermore, in 42 city races during this time, not one Democrat has been endorsed by either the Conservative or Independence Party. Now some of you may suggest that this numerical conundrum is merely the result of minor parties hoping to give the citizenry an alternative to two party political system, but alas my faithful friends, you are sorely mistaken. During this time period, all 42 Independence and Conservative candidates were also the Republican nominees! So what gives? What is so special, so incredible about these candidates that they could go a perfect 42 for 42? Much like a 4th Street crack-whore* in the middle of a heat wave, something reeks to high hell in Troy.
Over the next few weeks, I will attempt to explain the phenomena, however, I encourage...no wait, I implore any of our Conservative, Independence or Republican readers to explain the overwhelming success of Republican candidates at obtaining the endorsement from both the Independence and Conservative parties. So, my dear friends and party faithful, the gauntlet has been thrown down and the battle lines drawn. Is there any explanation for the 42 out of 42 or is it just political corruption and opportunism hijacking the electorate and sending our city into the toilet?
* A recent poll found that crack-whore was the most popular simile for Troy, followed closely by armpit, hoo-hoo and Isles of Langerhans.