Our crack team of statisticians have whipped out the old abacus and delved deep into the psyche of the Troy voter. Based on a carefully prepared questionnaire and a broad-based survey, they have developed a profile of the average supporter of Democratic Mayoral Candidate Patrick Madden and GOP candidate Jim Gordon.
THE PATRICK MADDEN SUPPORTER
Average age: 54.2 years old
Most Common Name: Jim, Steve, Bernice, Sue, Len
Profession: Insurance, accounting, government service
Religion: Catholic, Protestant, Jewish
Sport: Golf, Shuffleboard
Hobbies: fly fishing, naps, scratching, chasing kids off lawns, mild cardiac events
Music: K.C. and the Sunshine Band (Boogie Shoes), Bay City Rollers (Saturday Night)
Education Level: College, Graduate School
Race: White, Black, Hispanic, Asian
Exercise: Walking, walking faster
Gender: Male, Female
Average Household Income: $81,000
Books: The Boys of Summer, Truman, Band of Brothers
Movies: The Godfather, Animal House, Stripes
Foreign Language: High School French
Heart Throbs: Loni Anderson, Burt Reynolds
Favorite Dating site: WidowsOnly.com
JIM GORDON
Average age: 50.2 years old
Most Common Name: Jim, Tim, Kim and Flora
Profession: County, Lawn Care, DPW
Religion: Catholic, Protestant, Jewish
Sport: Football, Rugby
Hobbies: Grilling, bumper stickers, extreme couponing , prank calls
Music: Shawn Colvin (Sunny Came Home), Suzanne Vega (My Name is Luka) Thompson Twins (Lay Your Hands)
Education Level: College, High School
Race: White, Off-White
Exercise: Stair Master, Shadow Boxing
Gender: Male, Female
Average Household Income: $61,000
Books: Sarah Palin, A Life, Reader's Digest Condensed Books, Biscuit Goes to the Fair
Movies: The Burning Bed, Fatal Attraction,
Foreign Language: Fuck No.
Heart Throbs: Jennifer Aniston, Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Favorite Dating Site: Ancestry.com
No profile of the Wiltshire voter? Beards. Poor personal hygiene. Partially employed.
ReplyDeleteWould someone please buy Jim Welch a new hat? The Indiana Jones meets Deliverance look is not attractive.
DeleteWhich candidate draws the NASCAR vote? Jack?
ReplyDeleteCox will draw at least 110-120.
DeleteWiltshire voter: Felons, freaks and retards. Turn-ons: patchouli, E-Z build pools. Turn-offs: showers, deadlines, budget votes.
ReplyDeleteVery funny, you nailed it. One minor quibble for Music of Madden Supporters. It's Grateful Dead and Bonnie Raitt. On Primary night Madden posted an international version of "Ripple" done in honor of the Dead's 50th anniversary to his FB page.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to add a few characteristics of Gordon voters/supporters, they love cheeseburgers, BBQ sauce intravenous tubes, goons, tax cheats, tough guy red faced sponge Bob look a like former/would be councilman who illegally take down signs, and a plethora of dish washers and code enforcement Nazis
ReplyDeleteWe need HG4YN back. He was the best poster out here. Unfortunately I think he chased away the best and brightest of Cox, Pooper and K Mcgrath.
ReplyDeleteYou love talking about Cox, Cooper and Kevin, you obsessed freak!
DeleteThink again!
Delete6:54 got a man crush? We can get you autographed photos if it makes you feel better.
DeletePooper? haaaaaaa
ReplyDeleteDating site. Ancestry.com. I almost soiled myself laughing so hard.
ReplyDeleteKevin. We have a dating profile set up for you on midgets.com
DeleteBillie Jean, really? Good God. That's a scary visual.
DeleteWas Farrah Fawcett in the Burning Bed? Good movie. Jim should keep matches out of the house.
ReplyDeleteMatches and sharp objects
ReplyDeleteParticularly domestic violence awareness pins. He doesn't deserve to have those anywhere in his house.
Delete